People Say the Most Ridiculous Things!
You’re trying your best to make it through the day, and then someone approaches you, makes a comment that you feel is so ridiculous, it makes you walk away just wanting to scream!
This week I was asked:
Necole, my son recently passed. I’m doing the best that I can but people are making me crazy! They come up to me and say the worst things!
If I hear, “I don’t know how you do it,” one more time I just might flip out.
Then someone said, “At least you still have your girls.”
Please help me! How do I respond to these people?
Thank you,
R.A.
Honey, I feel your pain!
Most people honestly don’t know what to say to someone after the loss of a loved one. They feel compelled to say something with good intentions at heart. They don’t mean it to come across offensively but sometimes it does.
Grief is a tricky emotion that even grievers do not truly understand. It’s touch and go with sensitivity and it often leaves others in a “damned if they do; damned if they don’t” position, because if they try to avoid us, that would piss us off too! They see us, get all nervous, and want to say something comforting. Usually they will make a comment with the best intentions but likely walk away thinking, “Why did I just say that?” Or they won’t realize that someone in the midst of grief can take what they said the wrong way.
Most of the time, even if we know the person didn’t mean to offend us, we can’t help but feel hurt because of the already grieving mindset we are in. It’s easy for a griever to twist the meaning of a comment into a hurtful one even though that was not the intent.
We don’t learn anything about grief until it’s in our face. We aren’t taught about it in school and it’s something people just don’t want to talk about. On one hand, we don’t want to forget our loved one and want to talk and remember them, but on the other hand, it hurts so much remembering what we’ve lost. Healing takes time because even that feels like we are betraying our loved one by “moving on with our lives”. Many times, we feel like we’re going crazy from the mixed emotions and feelings of defeat.
So what do you say when someone says something like “I don’t know how you do it.” and you’re really feeling like shouting, “Like, I have a choice asshole?!”
Simply say, “I don’t know how I do it either.” Or even a quick “Thank you.” will work.
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The bottom line is people want to show us empathy and that they feel for us. It’s human conditioning. Try to take a few breaths before answering further so that it gives you a moment to let the annoyance pass and you can try to remember that the person probably means well. They just don’t know how you’re feeling at that moment, and don’t understand that they aren’t consoling you with what they’ve said.
In reality, few people will know the right things to say. Lets face it, there’s not many ways to comfort someone after such tremendous loss. The ones that do give you that feeling are usually those who’ve also experienced a similar loss, or has the rare gift of understanding grief.
I want to hear from you! Have you had any ridiculous comments made to you after the passing of a loved one? What were some of your replies? Comment below!
Much loves and hugs,
Necole
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